This so-called life

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." - Soren Kierkegaard

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult - so difficult in fact that I found myself, at some or other time every day, just staring at this blog and thinking that I have to write something - time (and followers) indeed wait for no blogger. But then also being overwhelmed by the feeling that a) I've got way too much to say, while at the same time b) that there are no words to type...nothing at all...

All of this chosen and given silence is a hard task master, leaving me so full of thoughts and yet so empty at the same time. And then, of course, enters all the drama you never asked for - whether it be of the familial or personal variety (or both at the same time for some extra fun!) - and deflation and a strong desire to never get out of bed again set in. This frame of mind, all the things happening around and within me, (of course) got me thinking. And here's what I've come up with thus far...

People often talk about the two natures to be found in each of us - whether they are called our better or lesser selves; our angels or demons; or the two wolves - and how life is about that battle for control between the different parts of ourselves; about who it is we allow the win; about what that says about us as people. That this is the purpose of our existence - to allow the better parts of ourselves to become ever stronger. And, based on who we allow to win this inner struggle, we are grouped and we are handled, lots of times unfairly.

But, in these past few weeks, I have come to realise there is a far bigger and more serious battle waging when it comes to our being in the world - and that battle is between us as individuals (with our good and bad) and the hard, sharp and rocky cliffs that are REALITY. 
For no matter who we dream of being or what we aspire to do with this little slice of life we get to call our own; reality mostly functions as the (massive) spanner in the works. As the hard reminder that we are not as special as we had hoped (or been told); that our talents, our finely honed skills and our input are not as unique or as valuable as we thought; that the path to the meaningful life we have always dreamed of looks much different than we imagined...heck, mostly it doesn't even lead in the direction we thought it would...

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead.  We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces." - Sigmund Freud

Now, though at this point of the struggle I would love nothing more than to be able to disappear, since I can only describe myself as immensely tired of this world and how it works, I am much too practical minded to try anything silly - damn it! 
And so I have to soldier on, and try to find that place where reality at its harshest and the dregs of myself I know to be the essential truth can possibly meet. It's not as romantic or perfect or wonderful as I always imagined; but then again, neither am I. Yet it can and must do. It is the most painful thing I have ever attempted, and it leaves me feeling like my insides have been ripped out most of the time, but on and through I must go. After all, there is nothing else for it.      
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." - Lao Tzu

Face reality as it is.

Raise your glass!

I know everyone says this, but that doesn’t make it less true – it is almost impossible to imagine or believe that we are nearing the end of the second week of January 2013?! Especially since 2012 is still lurking around unashamedly as the huge elephant in the room. At this point I feel I have to confess that “discipline” is one of my 5 strengths, which means that I love having even the false sense of security that everything in my life is either neatly tied up with a bow already, or fast approaching that state. 

This is especially true over the Festive/New Year Season – a time advertised as a time of rest, of looking back and evaluating, and a time for planning ahead. And all of this is advertised as usually taking place in utter calm in some or other meditative position, with the most beautiful of surroundings. This picture, this idea, makes me feel happy and calm – even a little in control :) And yet, that is not how life works…Instead of calm and beauty and meditation, I find myself still sinking knee-deep in last year’s unfinished things. There is no time for “filing” and “clean-up” and “beginning anew”, for 2013 is already starting to pile things onto the heap that has spilled over from 2012 – some of it new, some of it old with new faces, some of it just old.

Which means that, instead of the rejuvenated and shiny me that I was hoping would lightly skip into this new year, it’s just the same old me…maybe even a little more tired…Not exactly the romantic picture everyone dreams of, I know.  A picture that is so firmly etched into my being that I have been struggling to write a new blog post – simply because I am not feeling all champagne bubbly.

So, what do I say to myself? How do I inspire myself, and the possible one or two others out there who are having the same experience as me, to “keep on trucking”?  Even though last year has decided to tag along, and this year is already proving complicated? Maybe by starting with two age-old sayings that, at least for some of us, will always prove to be true – “That’s life” and “Shit happens”. 

Yes, it did not work out as I secretly, romantically (and naively) hoped for. But it can still be mostly a good year! Some of the things I have to drag along aren’t things I can get rid of. But some of them I can. Some of my time being taken I cannot take back. But some of it I can. I cannot always be in control of every aspect of my life, but that doesn’t mean I have no control. It’s as easy and as insanely difficult as that. 

Which leads me to a prayer my grandmother always gave me - one that frustrated the hell out of me because that’s not the life I wanted – that makes all the sense in the world now: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.” – Reinhold Niebuhr

My only New Year’s resolution? To create (read force!) space into every day to pray this, to be with God. I have a feeling that the rest will take care of itself.