Hello...again...?

I have been away from this baby of mine for such a long time that it feels almost strange to be back here. And, when I glance through previous posts, though I hear myself and the journey I'm on, it becomes difficult to imagine what putting these ramblings out there into the ether could mean. But, when I risk looking at the statistics, it seems that - even though new content has been scarcer than the truth about Nkandla - some of you are still coming back to this neck of the internet for a read. I am amazed and humbled by the thought.
And so I have decided to make a concerted effort to ramble on here more often, about wherever the road is leading me. My hope (my dream!) is that those little bits of my life's path, and what it does to the inside of my head, may mean something to you on your way this year.

Since it is only the second of January, a good place to start would be with New Year's resolutions. Now, some say that you are setting yourself up for failure by even thinking in that direction; while newer studies suggest that a New Year's resolution or two might just be the thing that keeps you more motivated and your success rate higher - especially when shared. And so I'm coming clean about mine...

I want to daily delve deeper into the peace that comes from setting apart time to sit with God and just be. To create spaces every day where I focus on God's character, his heart. Spaces where I dare to jump into silence, allowing myself to float on my endless stream of thoughts instead of being sucked in by them. Spaces where I practice getting used to the idea of me alone. Spaces where I stop talking, or listening to those surrounding me, and give God the opportunity to speak into me...not necessarily with words...


For it is only then that I will be able to truly live in the moment, aware of the wonder always surrounding me; that I will be able to find true confidence and be at peace with who and where I am; that I will be able to stop listening to the world outside of me as gospel, but rather be focused on the still, small voice ever-present in my being; that I will be able to face every part of me and not be afraid, but thankful.

I need to peel off all the layers I have pulled up around myself to try and protect me, for all they actually do is constrict me. I no longer want to suffocate because I am afraid - of myself and my potential, of what others might think of me, of feeling the depth and the breadth of life - I want to live!

What are your plans for this newly-hatched year?

Raise your glass!

I know everyone says this, but that doesn’t make it less true – it is almost impossible to imagine or believe that we are nearing the end of the second week of January 2013?! Especially since 2012 is still lurking around unashamedly as the huge elephant in the room. At this point I feel I have to confess that “discipline” is one of my 5 strengths, which means that I love having even the false sense of security that everything in my life is either neatly tied up with a bow already, or fast approaching that state. 

This is especially true over the Festive/New Year Season – a time advertised as a time of rest, of looking back and evaluating, and a time for planning ahead. And all of this is advertised as usually taking place in utter calm in some or other meditative position, with the most beautiful of surroundings. This picture, this idea, makes me feel happy and calm – even a little in control :) And yet, that is not how life works…Instead of calm and beauty and meditation, I find myself still sinking knee-deep in last year’s unfinished things. There is no time for “filing” and “clean-up” and “beginning anew”, for 2013 is already starting to pile things onto the heap that has spilled over from 2012 – some of it new, some of it old with new faces, some of it just old.

Which means that, instead of the rejuvenated and shiny me that I was hoping would lightly skip into this new year, it’s just the same old me…maybe even a little more tired…Not exactly the romantic picture everyone dreams of, I know.  A picture that is so firmly etched into my being that I have been struggling to write a new blog post – simply because I am not feeling all champagne bubbly.

So, what do I say to myself? How do I inspire myself, and the possible one or two others out there who are having the same experience as me, to “keep on trucking”?  Even though last year has decided to tag along, and this year is already proving complicated? Maybe by starting with two age-old sayings that, at least for some of us, will always prove to be true – “That’s life” and “Shit happens”. 

Yes, it did not work out as I secretly, romantically (and naively) hoped for. But it can still be mostly a good year! Some of the things I have to drag along aren’t things I can get rid of. But some of them I can. Some of my time being taken I cannot take back. But some of it I can. I cannot always be in control of every aspect of my life, but that doesn’t mean I have no control. It’s as easy and as insanely difficult as that. 

Which leads me to a prayer my grandmother always gave me - one that frustrated the hell out of me because that’s not the life I wanted – that makes all the sense in the world now: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.” – Reinhold Niebuhr

My only New Year’s resolution? To create (read force!) space into every day to pray this, to be with God. I have a feeling that the rest will take care of itself.

Always blessed be

Beginning with the end in mind

Since today is my birthday, I have decided that for this week’s post I want to share with you those things (quite incidentally three…almost like a good speech/sermon…:D) that I am, by the grace of God alone, guiding my life by. May you also find inspiration in them…something to strive towards…

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” – Gilda Radner

In all circumstances

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it.” - Mother Teresa

“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been’.” – John Greenleaf Whittier

My only wish? That next year I might look back and be gratefully satisfied. Even more important? That you will be able to look at me and the year gone by and be able to see these things in me.

Keeping in mind Who I belong to