This so-called life

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." - Soren Kierkegaard

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult - so difficult in fact that I found myself, at some or other time every day, just staring at this blog and thinking that I have to write something - time (and followers) indeed wait for no blogger. But then also being overwhelmed by the feeling that a) I've got way too much to say, while at the same time b) that there are no words to type...nothing at all...

All of this chosen and given silence is a hard task master, leaving me so full of thoughts and yet so empty at the same time. And then, of course, enters all the drama you never asked for - whether it be of the familial or personal variety (or both at the same time for some extra fun!) - and deflation and a strong desire to never get out of bed again set in. This frame of mind, all the things happening around and within me, (of course) got me thinking. And here's what I've come up with thus far...

People often talk about the two natures to be found in each of us - whether they are called our better or lesser selves; our angels or demons; or the two wolves - and how life is about that battle for control between the different parts of ourselves; about who it is we allow the win; about what that says about us as people. That this is the purpose of our existence - to allow the better parts of ourselves to become ever stronger. And, based on who we allow to win this inner struggle, we are grouped and we are handled, lots of times unfairly.

But, in these past few weeks, I have come to realise there is a far bigger and more serious battle waging when it comes to our being in the world - and that battle is between us as individuals (with our good and bad) and the hard, sharp and rocky cliffs that are REALITY. 
For no matter who we dream of being or what we aspire to do with this little slice of life we get to call our own; reality mostly functions as the (massive) spanner in the works. As the hard reminder that we are not as special as we had hoped (or been told); that our talents, our finely honed skills and our input are not as unique or as valuable as we thought; that the path to the meaningful life we have always dreamed of looks much different than we imagined...heck, mostly it doesn't even lead in the direction we thought it would...

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead.  We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces." - Sigmund Freud

Now, though at this point of the struggle I would love nothing more than to be able to disappear, since I can only describe myself as immensely tired of this world and how it works, I am much too practical minded to try anything silly - damn it! 
And so I have to soldier on, and try to find that place where reality at its harshest and the dregs of myself I know to be the essential truth can possibly meet. It's not as romantic or perfect or wonderful as I always imagined; but then again, neither am I. Yet it can and must do. It is the most painful thing I have ever attempted, and it leaves me feeling like my insides have been ripped out most of the time, but on and through I must go. After all, there is nothing else for it.      
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." - Lao Tzu

Face reality as it is.

Reaching out

Today would have been Søren Kierkegaard's 200th birthday. And, since I have always loved the Scandinavian cultures in general, and this Danish theologian in particular, I have decided to see where his wisdom takes me...

So I started reading, and these two thoughts were some of the first I came across…and they are so close to home it’s excruciating…as it should be, I guess…

“There are two ways to be fooled: one is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.” AND “Don't forget to love yourself.”

In these two thoughts my struggle and the beginning of insight are summed up. For I have realized – not because I am so amazing, but because I have such amazing people in my life that are not afraid to confront me with the truth (often repeatedly) – that I am allowing myself to be fooled both ways. Not only do I LOVE to believe the lies my own disloyal self dishes up, I am also always eager to drink in the critique of those one or two people who have something negative to say. And then these are mostly people who really don’t have the faintest when it comes to knowing my work or me.

Combine that with my stubborn refusal to actually really listen to (i.e. take in) the many truths those people who know me better than I know myself give me almost daily, and you arrive exactly where I am moping around a lot of the time – feeling unworthy, incompetent and useless. And I know that I am not the only one that does this.

Kierkegaard’s words remind me of precisely how sad a state this is – I am stubbornly foolish. I am allowing the words and ideas of strangers to mean more than those of beloved friends. I am ignoring my instincts, myself, in order to listen to people who don’t know a thing. And I am rejecting the honest truths of those who do.

Now, I could blame “the world” – and there might even be more than a little merit to it. BUT then I read Kierkegaard’s second thought again, and I know that I only have myself to blame. I am the one making the choice as to what I remember and what I forget. I am the one acting like a stubborn ass, and then crying because it hurts.

May God grant me the grace and strength to start making better choices. And may He do the same for you. I'm kicking the devil off my back, I want to dance!