If a tree falls...

THE most difficult part of this journey so far? Losing my voice...

Now, I'm not talking about losing my voice because of illness or a sudden lack of confidence, what I'm referring to is losing my voice in the realisation that it isn't being heard. Even more - that it isn't needed.

See, as we talked about yesterday, one of the most important things on the journey to the "real me" is a process of constant evaluation of my reasons for doing things. And one of those things is talking. So I am trying to remember to always ask myself: When I talk, what am I hoping to achieve? Why do I feel it is important for me to speak? What does my input add to the situation?
Combine that with a present where a lot of the most important people in my life are literally not giving me a chance to speak, or not listening to me when I do manage to get a word in, and you can (hopefully?) see my dilemma...

In the dark of night, when the truth in all its ugliness can no longer be avoided, I have come to realise that I mostly speak because I am afraid of disappearing. Yes, my words might be uplifting or wise or encouraging, and they are probably said with the best of intentions and coming from the most loving part of me...but when it boils right down to it I am speaking because I want to be heard...for then my existence feels recognised (and in that, justified)...
Only once my thoughts and ideas have been heard do I feel like I've meant something; that I am somebody; that my existence matters. But now I have no more words, no more influence. Does that mean I no longer exist? Is "not talking" equal to "dying"? To me it certainly feels that way! For if I am not in constant communication with the world and the people around me - if my voice is not heard and validated - do I even really exist? 

But is that what existing is all about? Is that the only and best way? Or is this time of silence forcing me to find what truly existing means? As I often do in times like these, I turned to the wisdom of the ages to see what there is to find...
"Language...has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." - Paul Tillich
"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." - Brendan Francis

Living...being...existence...is not first and foremost about talking and/or being heard. It's not about the people around me and what they think of me (or even IF they think of me!) Because talking is actually still performing - it is about focusing on the people around me, what I project to them, and what they think of me. Clearly this keeps the locus of control and my identity outside of myself and in the hands of others. Not talking means there is only me left...the me I lost...and the God that created me. And in that there is glory to be experienced.

"The purpose of life, after all, is to live it - to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." - Eleanor Roosevelt
My life, my heart, are to be found in silence and solitude, and in opening myself up to living life as it comes my way (without the involvement of other people).
So, in between bouts of calm and panic about disappearing, it is back to silence I go. And quiet times of being in God's presence. "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." - Henry Rollins 

Eeek...and aaah...

Hello...again...?

I have been away from this baby of mine for such a long time that it feels almost strange to be back here. And, when I glance through previous posts, though I hear myself and the journey I'm on, it becomes difficult to imagine what putting these ramblings out there into the ether could mean. But, when I risk looking at the statistics, it seems that - even though new content has been scarcer than the truth about Nkandla - some of you are still coming back to this neck of the internet for a read. I am amazed and humbled by the thought.
And so I have decided to make a concerted effort to ramble on here more often, about wherever the road is leading me. My hope (my dream!) is that those little bits of my life's path, and what it does to the inside of my head, may mean something to you on your way this year.

Since it is only the second of January, a good place to start would be with New Year's resolutions. Now, some say that you are setting yourself up for failure by even thinking in that direction; while newer studies suggest that a New Year's resolution or two might just be the thing that keeps you more motivated and your success rate higher - especially when shared. And so I'm coming clean about mine...

I want to daily delve deeper into the peace that comes from setting apart time to sit with God and just be. To create spaces every day where I focus on God's character, his heart. Spaces where I dare to jump into silence, allowing myself to float on my endless stream of thoughts instead of being sucked in by them. Spaces where I practice getting used to the idea of me alone. Spaces where I stop talking, or listening to those surrounding me, and give God the opportunity to speak into me...not necessarily with words...


For it is only then that I will be able to truly live in the moment, aware of the wonder always surrounding me; that I will be able to find true confidence and be at peace with who and where I am; that I will be able to stop listening to the world outside of me as gospel, but rather be focused on the still, small voice ever-present in my being; that I will be able to face every part of me and not be afraid, but thankful.

I need to peel off all the layers I have pulled up around myself to try and protect me, for all they actually do is constrict me. I no longer want to suffocate because I am afraid - of myself and my potential, of what others might think of me, of feeling the depth and the breadth of life - I want to live!

What are your plans for this newly-hatched year?