If a tree falls...

THE most difficult part of this journey so far? Losing my voice...

Now, I'm not talking about losing my voice because of illness or a sudden lack of confidence, what I'm referring to is losing my voice in the realisation that it isn't being heard. Even more - that it isn't needed.

See, as we talked about yesterday, one of the most important things on the journey to the "real me" is a process of constant evaluation of my reasons for doing things. And one of those things is talking. So I am trying to remember to always ask myself: When I talk, what am I hoping to achieve? Why do I feel it is important for me to speak? What does my input add to the situation?
Combine that with a present where a lot of the most important people in my life are literally not giving me a chance to speak, or not listening to me when I do manage to get a word in, and you can (hopefully?) see my dilemma...

In the dark of night, when the truth in all its ugliness can no longer be avoided, I have come to realise that I mostly speak because I am afraid of disappearing. Yes, my words might be uplifting or wise or encouraging, and they are probably said with the best of intentions and coming from the most loving part of me...but when it boils right down to it I am speaking because I want to be heard...for then my existence feels recognised (and in that, justified)...
Only once my thoughts and ideas have been heard do I feel like I've meant something; that I am somebody; that my existence matters. But now I have no more words, no more influence. Does that mean I no longer exist? Is "not talking" equal to "dying"? To me it certainly feels that way! For if I am not in constant communication with the world and the people around me - if my voice is not heard and validated - do I even really exist? 

But is that what existing is all about? Is that the only and best way? Or is this time of silence forcing me to find what truly existing means? As I often do in times like these, I turned to the wisdom of the ages to see what there is to find...
"Language...has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." - Paul Tillich
"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." - Brendan Francis

Living...being...existence...is not first and foremost about talking and/or being heard. It's not about the people around me and what they think of me (or even IF they think of me!) Because talking is actually still performing - it is about focusing on the people around me, what I project to them, and what they think of me. Clearly this keeps the locus of control and my identity outside of myself and in the hands of others. Not talking means there is only me left...the me I lost...and the God that created me. And in that there is glory to be experienced.

"The purpose of life, after all, is to live it - to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." - Eleanor Roosevelt
My life, my heart, are to be found in silence and solitude, and in opening myself up to living life as it comes my way (without the involvement of other people).
So, in between bouts of calm and panic about disappearing, it is back to silence I go. And quiet times of being in God's presence. "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." - Henry Rollins 

Eeek...and aaah...

The shape of me

Vive la différence!

One of my first assignments as a newbie at 13.tv was to create an inspirational art piece on the beauty of suffering. Some of the first things that came to mind were images of a glassblower with his glass, or a potter with his/her clay – an idea that became the centre of our video. Thursday night Flaps made use of our video clip as an introduction to his #Reverb session, with the clip serving as an idea booster. We had to think about the potter and the clay, about ourselves as the clay with God as the Potter, and then write down ten statements. It was both a humbling and an inspiring process to look at and talk about each other’s statements – serving as a reminder of who we are, Who we belong to, and what our lives are meant to be. And so I decided to share my ten statements with you…maybe it can be the reminder you need…or maybe this is the good news you have yet to hear…

I belong to the Potter.
I cannot see what I will become; I have to trust the Potter for the end result.
Even the simplest of clay items are made because they are needed, because they make an impact/difference.
The forming process takes a lot of work…may sometimes mean almost restarting.
The work is never really finished, there are always more things to do or add…but the result of this tweaking process is always better and more beautiful…more meaningful.
This tweaking process, this becoming more, is almost always equal to more kneading (discomfort) and baking (pain).

My cracks remind me of God’s grace.
My cracks are what make me unique and beautiful, but only if I am filled to the brim with God’s Spirit, making it impossible for Him not to shine through every sliver and cranny.
Being the clay means that there is no other position than vulnerable and completely exposed before the Potter. The clay cannot become anything other than another lump without the Potter. The trick is to live into daily acceptance of that fact…and finding peace.

I can trust the Potter completely – the Potter never starts something He has not dreamt about, never begins working on a lump of clay He hasn’t envisioned a purpose for. His efforts with me equal my meaning.

A joyful noise..."If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us." (2 Cor 4:7)

I will rise

I might be one of the only idiots who thought about watching “127 Hours” without ever quite getting around to it…but as providence would have it I was channel hopping last night and came across it just as it was starting…so I finally watched it…and sat in silent awe.

Now, for today’s blog, we’re leaving aside the fact that Danny Boyle is one of the most talented and visionary directors of our time, as well as the fact that “127 Hours” is one of the most powerful movies I have ever seen. No, because watching the movie made me think about “Slumdog Millionaire” – his other big recent film – and about the golden thread that runs through both movies. What it is that makes us survive suffering and adversity – triumphantly…even beautifully. What it is that makes some fight even harder where others would long ago have given up and/or died. What it is that gives strength to the spirit in circumstances where the body is drained.

Now I know this is going to sound corny, but it doesn’t make it any less true – in both of these movies, in these very different but equally terrible situations, what made the different people keep fighting and keep striving was a dream. Their rising above, their realisation that there is something more, their belief in that something, made them continue on when it seemed impossible.  But we’ve all heard that we need a dream, so what’s new? And we all do have lots of dreams. For me, the freshness lay in just being reminded of what our dream should be. For the people in these stories did not have just any dream. It is not just any dream that will make us triumph.

Their dreams were about people – about meaningful relations – about impacting on one or two lives. That’s all…but that’s all that’s needed…for in this dream lies beautiful strength.

Dreams of bigger houses, more things, success, fame etc. cannot carry us through darkness and pain. Only dreams of those hearts near us…of having hearts near us. Only dreams of knowing that our life has made at least one other breathe easier. Only those dreams can make us do the impossible…can make us rise…can give meaning in any and every situation.

Let’s make this the desire of our hearts – today and every day.

“Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!” – Matthew 6:22-23