It is
surreal to think that another month has flown by O_o I comfort myself with the
thought that at least it hasn’t been a WHOLE month since I last wrote :)
Anyhoo, lots of things have been happening at 13thFLOOR, things that have
challenged me in my thinking and my dreaming about the future. This has been
made worse (actually better) by very honest talks with colleagues who know me,
want the best for me and don’t hold back. And so I have been chewing on a few
thoughts – not all of them pleasant ones, I have to add. All these thoughts
were brought to a head when seeing a part of “Akeelah and the Bee” on Friday.
I have realized/am realizing how naturally and quickly I (we?) tend to blame other people, circumstance and/or things for our not getting where we want to go and doing what we want to do. Now sure, there are such things as the reality of dealing with politics, structures and egos in any organization; but how much of our experience of “being held back” is actually caused by any of the above factors. And how many times are we simply held back by our own lack of confidence. Sure, I can moan about opportunities not given to me…but did I honestly try my best to gain those opportunities? Or was I sitting back, waiting for someone’s permission? And then, of course, blaming that person when the permission didn’t come.
It is not
an easy thing to realize that you have been lazy. That you have been spewing
about passions but not taking the initiative and doing the work. It’s as easy
and as difficult as “trying”. As starting to do the things you talk about
wanting to do – not waiting for someone to ask you before you begin, but
showing them your end result. Yes, they might be surprised. Yes, they might
shoot you down. But at least you have started on the journey! At least you have
something to show for all the talking!
And, of course, I had to ask myself “why”. Why do I take the back seat? Why do I wait for permission? Why don’t I try? And this is where “Akeelah and the Bee” comes in. Specifically the following quote she is asked to read:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson
I do not push myself because then I cannot fail. I do not initiate because then I cannot be rejected. I do not try because then my efforts cannot make anyone else feel small/inadequate. I don’t delve into the potential I think is there because then I don’t ever really have to worry about it and work at it. And I still get to whine about my untapped potential, blaming it on everyone else other than me.
But this is to sin. This is to throw back into God’s face everything He has given me. Everything His Spirit has awakened in me. Most of all, this is cowardice – no matter how noble the intention of it might sound. I will now stop waiting, stop hiding, stop making excuses. I will reach and I will strive. May God grant me the courage and the grace to do what I am setting out to do. May He grant us all the grace and the courage!
