Hard to find!

The definition of "ouch" and reasons to berate yourself = logging into this blog to write the latest mulling around in me, only to see that a whole 24 days have passed. What?! But then I realise that even this is part of what my process has been the last few weeks...and so in we go...

You might remember that my first post - and New Year's resolution - was to start removing any and all forms of clutter, making time for silent reflection, in order to be able to get at the me at the heart of it all. In these past few weeks I have discovered two things surrounding this process. Maybe you have experienced the same? Maybe we can help each other through?

1) The heart is (damn) hard to find!
Yep. It's just so amazing and ironic how - just when I decide to quiet down - my entire life suddenly becomes this noisy, chaotic thing with a life of its own. Everything that can go wrong does, almost all the people in my life suddenly have urgent needs etc. The noise of life, the power pulling me away from my heart, becomes so loud it's almost overwhelming! So now, when a moment or two announce themselves, I rather stare at the wall than try and scratch a little deeper into myself, because the energy just isn't there. It's like the universe is conspiring to keep me as far away from my truth and strength as possible, and it's SO frustrating! But then, in a conversation with my spiritual mentor, I am (metaphorically) slapped across the face with the truth of the situation, which leads us to...

2) You never find yourself where you're looking (in fact, where you find yourself is somewhere you never thought needed closer investigation!)
Even though life turns into chaos when we seek quiet, my mentor forced me to ask myself - how much of that craziness was happening because of me? Because of the way I have always seen myself, the way I have always thought I needed to be and act in the world? How much of the chaos surrounding me was because of my own ego trying to feed itself? Double ouch! Probably because it is so true that I feel a little sick just writing this.

So, finding my heart - the "me" God made me - actually involves breaking through the "me" I have created; the "me" I have spent all my life building up; the "me" I expend so much effort on presenting to the world. It's not just about cancelling out other unnecessary influences and voices, it's about cancelling out my ego and all the little voices it creates. Because so little of what I think is my heart, actually has anything to do with my heart. What a blind spot that was?! 

Does that mean I am no longer making an effort to get in some quiet "sitting with God"? No, for that process has become more important than ever. It does mean that I try to keep a hold of the bit of distance created in those quiet times when I move into the rest of the day - a bit of distance that allows me to look at the things I feel and say and do, and ask myself the hard questions: Why this? Why now? The answers are difficult indeed...but they are the only way I will find true value, and in that - the peace that transcends all possible chaos.
      
Every day is "Day One", because then complacency does not become an option. Join me?