Ground Zero/Day One

How I have come to hate the idea of "Day 1" - whether it be Day 1 of a diet, a study programme, an exercise regime or some needed psychological/spiritual sprucing up work. Now, I would love nothing more than to be able to say it's because of what Hollywood has made it...but in actual fact Hollywood has just helped us to visualise our innermost desire when it comes to big change. See, the recognition is still there...the penny still drops...that painful moment where we have to face whatever demons hide inside and recognise them for what they are. This moment is so powerful that we cannot stay the same, we have to start moving in some direction, whether it be up or down.

This, of course, is where Hollywood and our deepest desire comes in - yes, we want and need the moment of truly seeing the things holding us back in fluorescent light. The shock, the horror, the disappointment, or whatever emotion your demons awake within you. But then we get the hard fade to black with fitting powerful musical sting, only to fade into the new you already comfortably living more than the you you imagined for yourself. Or maybe a pan down to something like your shoes running (emotive music a given, of course) and a pan back up to the new and improved you - that way there is at least a hint at the work that had to go into you. Perhaps it might even be as elaborate as a fast-paced move through the next few months/years, with us watching as you change - almost like one of those flowers shot over time and then sped up in viewing to get to the blossoming quicker. Point: all the hard work happens, without you having to sweat through every second.

O, how wonderful that would be! But instead, in the real world I live in, deciding it's "Day 1" does nothing of the above - it just makes you more painfully aware of the 86400 seconds that the day is filled with. Seconds that count up to so much time, and yet feel like the blink of an eye when you start to think of all the things that need to happen for you to get from where you are now to where you need to get to. And of course that goal can feel so unreachable that it might just be better to crawl up into a ball on the bed until the world doesn't notice that it's passing you by. Because tomorrow and the day after that contain even more thousands of seconds in which you can fail - you've pictured all the possible scenarios already from every angle.

And so "Day 1" comes...and goes...and comes again...and stomps out...

Standing on the eve of another "Day 1" is scarier than any scary horror movie I have ever experienced - for I stand here knowing without a doubt that it is only myself I am hurting...poisoning...and then as a reaction to people and events that are not worth any response...never mind my self-destruction. I wish my poison of choice had rather been drugs or alcohol - at least then you always stay skinny. But my addiction makes me grab anything I can and stuff my face with it. And so now it's even more impossible to hide my problem...my illness...for here I largely stand...

It - I - cannot stay the same! In anyway, if we're honest - then staying the same is just another way of saying you're going down without fighting. Yet the idea of all that has to happen - second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour - overwhelms me, sticks in my throat and makes it hard to swallow...hard to speak...hard to lift a finger...and then I start to drown again...

And yet, staying here surely isn't safe. It's definitely not wonderful. And so I will step into "Day 1" and try to take it second by excruciating second. And see where each one of those seconds take me. Wish me luck. Better yet, join me. And always remember to breathe...

The Invitation

We had the privilege of being at an old friend's wedding yesterday afternoon, and as part of the ceremony the following was read. It is truly beautiful and inspiring, and so I want to share it with all of you.   

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

You are!

I have finally watched "The King's Speech" in these wee hours. I am simultaneously ashamed and delighted - ashamed that it took me so very many years to get around to it; delighted at the bucket of wisdom and inspiration it has doused me with (along with some Queen's English, of course). And then at exactly the time I need to be showered with these things. I am sharing these thoughts, here, with you. I hope they are the same breath of fresh air for you, the spark needed for dying kindling.

You might not be the first choice (or second, for that matter) for what you are doing - according to yourself and the rest of the world. They might have a say in what happens; they might not. They might try to actively prevent you. They might prefer to try and diminish you behind your back. You may find yourself questioning your reasoning and your capabilities daily - without them having to give you any input. AND yet you cannot prevent the passion burning inside you. You cannot completely block out the voice that keeps repeating softly: "If not me, then who?"

Follow that voice, that passion, to whatever scary destination it might be leading you to. No matter what doubt and doubters have to say. It is where you need to be. It is where you are needed.

You might have an instinctual aptitude for something, an instinctual ability so strong that it scares those with the best qualifications and the right connections. Do not rest on this instinctual advantage - hone the skill like you would any other. But then do not be afraid to use it, even in the face of resistance. Do not wait for permission. Do not wait for somebody else to allow you. AND then always use it as your gut - your instinct - tells you to. Do not be unnecessarily limited by pomp and tradition. Do what you know you must, in the way you have been created and moulded to do it.

Embrace what you fear but know to be true about yourself. Do not let anything or anyone stand in your way. Work hard. Work honestly. In this way you will be true to the self God created you to be. And in that truthful living, beauty and change will be allowed into the world...little by little...

You have a voice! AND you have a right to be heard! Now use it!  

From the inside out

I have to start this post by saying that – over the past two days – I have once again been reminded of just how blessed I am by the friends that surround me. Thank you for love, for honest talks and for the inspiration and wisdom you bring into my life. I am VERY lucky to be able to call you “friends”! Anyhoo, back to what we have been honestly talking about.

I have always been “not too shabby” where communication is concerned – it is one of the few things that come naturally for me. I have lots of words, I can put them in straight lines and logical arguments, and I usually do not stumble over them when talking. It is only in the past week or so that I have realised that exactly this natural aptitude has made me lazy…and has made my ability to communicate devolve…

The strange thing is that, when the realisation finally hit, I wanted to sulk. This is something that I'm good at; it's not supposed to be so much work…demmit! I want to quote Strengthsfinder and say that we shouldn't be focusing so much energy on things we have to work too hard at, things that aren't our natural strengths. But then good friends remind me that that isn't exactly what the Strengthsfinder team had in mind (or communicated, if I'm being honest). And (of course) I watch a show about professional sports and realise that, even though an athlete obviously has to have a natural affinity for the sport, that affinity sans daily practice and honing of the skill doesn't mean much for long. It might even mean that someone that's less talented, but more dedicated, replaces you.

My (unwilling) conclusion? Being good at something does not mean less work. Focusing on your strengths does not mean less practice. It just means more effective work and more efficient practice. And so I am pulling myself back - with a LOT of help from my friends - from the ever-present abyss of: "It must be that I am not good enough and that this is not a strength of mine." And I will daily be replacing that falling thought with: "I am honing my skill and perfecting my strength." What a difference that makes!

"Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways." - H Jackson Brown 

The Alternative

It was Friday afternoon and we were on our way to do a skit at the “Beauty for Ashes” conference at New Life Church…in Johannesburg…that meant traffic was an experience…and I had a lot of time to think…tumtumtum!

I was riding with the Quantum – I had Imagine Dragons blasting on my headphones, and one of the students I mentor catching a little shut-eye on my shoulder. It was one of the times that I looked over at her, just to make sure she was comfortable, that it hit me – I have the privilege of sitting next to one of the most beautiful souls I know. More than that, she trusts me enough to allow me to be a part of her world, to speak into that world, to be the one whose shoulder she sleeps on. What an awe-inspiring and totally undeserved gift God has given me. And she is not the only one! Following this sentimental little road where it lead me, I thought of all the other students who have allowed me into their lives and into their hearts, and it took all I had not to start bawling like a hysterical woman.

But the road I had decided to walk down led even further, and this is what I want to share with you. For thinking about all the different students who share their lives with me, I was reminded of their diversity…and of stereotypes…

How often in our every day do we think and talk about stereotypes? You know, those conversations which start with ALL, and then you fill in the stereotype you have in mind – blacks, Jews, coloureds, politicians, Indians, men, athletes etc. – always in the negative, of course. And, in a way, it's understandable – there are so many people who affirm exactly that negative stereotype. So many, in fact, that it almost feels like there is nothing else to talk about.

But, sitting in that Quantum, I was reminded of all the stereotyped (you could say stereotypical?) people I share my life with, who do everything but affirm the negatives that are so easily thrown on them as a race or a culture or a gender. People who – according to stereotype – should be so many negative things; but whose hearts are in fact bigger than the biggest thing I could ever think of, who live lives of grace and beauty, whose souls shine brighter than mine ever could. 

I am sure – if you were to look carefully at your life and the people in it – that you would also discover those people. And then the question becomes: “Who will you choose to focus on when you decide what your outlook will be (whether it is the week ahead, or life in South Africa in general)?

I have a feeling that, if we choose to change where we focus our thoughts, our conversations and our time – from the negative we so easily gravitate towards, to the positive that is (actually) ever-present in our lives – we will be surprised and energised by the result. "Stereotypes do exist, but we have to walk through them." - Forest Whitaker