Fickle hearts and woozy eyes

The last couple of weeks I have felt tension building up inside of me – even as I write this it feels like my heart is beating too fast to keep doing it for long. I find myself overwhelmed by the things around me – how fast the year has gone, how many things are still left undone, how complicated the simplest of things can be. Now, being the good Calvinistic Afrikaans person I was brought up to be, I do what I was taught to do – just keep on going. But it feels like I’m having to fight scrappy for every little bit of energy I can muster, and then that energy doesn’t mean/accomplish much. And now I am sitting on my bed, my throat closing ever tighter, wondering how it got to here…it’s as if my hands want to turn against me as I attempt to write this, missing keys…my brain becoming empty cotton as I try to put into words the depths…exactly because it is a truth that every fibre of my being knows to be true, but that it will not admit to out loud…

I am my own worst enemy. I am afraid of myself. I am uneasy about what exactly my potential is. And so I do not need the critique of others to put me down (though I faithfully ask for it) – most times I have already dug the hole myself, and jumped in for good measure. I sabotage myself. I overthink everything. I give everyone else the right to define me. In fact, I demand it. I have demarcated how small I must be, and I do not stop until those around me have brought me there. Only to be left uncertain and empty, and then having the audacity to wonder why and how this could’ve happened. 

To feel like life is treating me unfairly when, in fact, life has nothing much to do with it. It is me, myself and I alone. It makes me angry to admit that. I feel frustration building inside of me – if I know this, then why can’t I change it? Shouldn’t it come easily to me?! Yet here I still am, running around in the same little circle. I keep on tearing myself to pieces, and then asking people to throw them back at me – hard. Why? Because I cannot allow myself the freedom, the growth…no, I will not. Is that how it’s supposed to be? For everyone else – a very easy and quick NO! For myself – not so much. And this cannot continue. This MUST not continue!

I am stepping aside and getting out of my own way. I am taking back the pieces of me I have so enthusiastically thrown around and away. I am also taking back my ears, countrymen. I am (again) giving all of it, of me, to the only One who deserves (yes, deserves!) the right. And I am going to keep on giving “me” back every time I want to throw “me” out to the world or, even worse, to myself. From this moment forward (and every moment I feel myself wanting to fall back into familiar grooves) I will hold onto the promises 

He has given me so often and so freely, and I will live – I will breathe past the fear and uncertainty that comes so easily to me, and I will do the many things there are for me to do. Because there are many things, if I will only stop questioning my every thought and action (and asking others to do the same). I will no longer be the matt on the floor that everyone is allowed to walk over. I am standing up. More importantly, from now on I will only be looking up. 

How will I do that? How will I change what has been so deeply ingrained into me? “I'll kneel down, wait for now. I'll kneel down, know my ground. And I will wait, I will wait for You!” God, you are the only one who should have any say – and I have a sneaking suspicion that I would be hearing much more from you if I just unplugged my ears or stopped allowing the noise around me to drown you out. Forgive me for what I have so eagerly sunk into; for all the inside thoughts and outside voices that I have allowed the authority to drown you out. The only way to keep my heart from stopping and my mind from exploding is to give it all back to you – and so I do. I WILL wait for you. I have a feeling that the wait won’t be long.

“When darkness comes upon you and colours you with fear and shame, be still and know that I'm with you - and I will say your name. If fear falls upon your bed, and sleep no longer comes. Remember all the words I said - be still, be still, and know. If you forget the way to go, and lose where you came from. Just know I am standing beside you - be still, be still, be still.” – The Fray “God is our refuge and strength; a very present help in trouble…’be still, and know that I am God’…” – Psalm 46:1, 10 “The Lord your God is the strength in your midst; He will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness. In His love, He will be silent. He will exult over you with praise.” – Zephaniah 3:17 

“Now I'll be bold, as well as strong, and use my head alongside my heart. So tame my flesh, and fix my eyes - a tethered mind freed from the lies. Raise my hands. Paint my spirit gold. Bow my head. Keep my heart slow.” – Mumford & Sons