Damn you, Murphy!

I’m very fond of the saying: “Murphy, you bastard!” We’ve all experienced those situations where that is all there is to be said. Situations where, it seems, nothing you do works – what you’re doing isn’t working, but boy, if you had tried the opposite, that definitely wouldn’t have worked either. Now, this week one of my friends laughed and said: “I’m sure when we get to heaven God is going to introduce Himself as Murphy?” THAT is a whole different, and very large, can of worms, one about which I’m sure we could argue forever and a day. But we’ll keep that one for another blog.

Then why the intro? Because last week was an epiphany week for me – so much so that I decided to blog about it, no matter how “heavy” it might read. I could no longer just think about it, I had to write it down AND put it out there on the World Wide Web. The relief I felt is hard to explain, like a huge fist that had been knocking at my breastbone had been banned forever. I was elated. And SO scared! For now it’s out there, and I can’t claim denial anymore. Or hide behind it anymore. And then there’s also Murphy, of course.

As, of course, almost to the day after I posted THAT post, every insecurity button I had ever developed was being pushed. Hard. Repeatedly. And RIGHT on the nose. It almost felt like every little tendril of myself I was carefully uncurling was being chopped at…with very big axes and sharp knives. Even Sarel was pushing buttons! So, by Thursday, I was feeling mauled, sore, unsure and a little empty. It felt like I was back where I started – luckily without the pounding fist. 

And this is where Murphy comes in – for some would say that this is Murphy’s bastardy side operating full throttle. Others are inclined to give the devil the blame – using your insecurities to keep you down when you begin growing upward. Still others would say that it is but your own ingrained insecurities trying to find their way back in and have you down in the hole again. Well, whatever you wish to put the blame onto, it doesn’t change where I’ve ended up – in tired and deflated street. 

But then Sarel and I finally had a good, long talk on Thursday evening. And then realisation dawned! Yes, the first and always most important input into my life MUST be God’s. But, luckily, He has not left me alone – He has gifted my life with a few people who carry my happiness and best interest as close to their hearts as their own. People who can, when those insecurity buttons are being pushed – whether unintentionally or intentionally – help hold me up. 

Because those people, who strive to live lives close to God, become a part of God’s communication with me. Yes, I have to (and will always) wait on God. But I will not miss His voice when He does speak to me, no matter the format. And one of the most important ways He is (and actually has always been) speaking to me is through those few friends of my heart. Does that mean they now become the crutches I base my life on? No. They just remind me to breathe. Remind me of the road I have travelled and the things I have learned. Remind me to remember. Thank God for those friends! 

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." - Albert Schweitzer