Mad world

“Life consists of a series of events.”

“You must not let what happens to you determine your life.”

It is between these different yet equally important (to quote Law & Order) statements that I have found my thoughts drifting the last couple of weeks. I almost want to start with: “It’s been a month since my last confession…” as it has been SUCH a long time that I haven’t gotten to writing…exactly because of those types of events that make up your life…

The last three months have been intense (bordering on insanity) to say the least – my mom was recovering from her third back-operation, so I had to try and master the art of working full-time and taking care of her full-time. And then, four days after getting the all clear at her 12-week check-up, she falls and breaks her hip. And now it’s the whole extreme rigmarole all over again…except this time having ambulances, rushed prep and no ability to plan thrown into the mix as well…and that’s just me, a spectator of sorts. 

That’s not considering my mom’s feelings – her last couple of years have consisted of quite a few series’ of unfortunate events, which has led her to question the sense of such a life quite a few times. Something I cannot blame her for…in fact, anything but. For it is almost impossible to not look at your life sometimes and wonder. Especially when you’ve had a string of misfortunes…when you start wondering if your life is actually just one big ironic cruel joke, for you cannot see the sense in the things happening to you. And it’s not just my mother…or me…I know so many people who have gone through/are living that very same rollercoaster-ride. Who are at that point of screaming: “Please! Can’t enough be enough already?! I can’t take any more!”

For it is difficult bordering on impossible to go through life without the things happening to us and around us affecting our thoughts, our emotions…our quality of life, so to speak. But then there are those sayings that rally us to not let what happens to us become us. How do we do that? By being those robot-like people with empty eyes and skull-like grins? By going through life “closed off” from the world and ourselves? By putting on our “happy face” every day, always saying: “it’s going fantastic”, no matter what atomic bomb might have exploded in our life? Is this what is asked of us? Is that the only alternative to being tossed around mercilessly by everything that happens to us...mostly on a Tuesday afternoon when we least expect it? Is this the only way to “survive” life? Are we meant to only survive?

And so I did what I normally do in situations like these – other than think about it incessantly. I turned to the thoughts and experiences of “old friends”, starting with the man who gave to us “The Little Prince”, Antoine de Saint-Exupery: “Love does not cause suffering: what causes it is the sense of ownership, which is love's opposite.” “He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.” - Aeschylus “The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you're in control of your life. If you don't, life controls you.” - Tony Robbins

This made me realise that, when thinking about life and about living it successfully and (therefore) meaningfully, I shouldn’t get stuck on “events”. Wondering about the “events” of our lives – especially the difficult and painful ones - make it sound like we believe our lives to have had a different and better plan, which has now been interfered with. So then it’s not really about whether “events” can and/or should shape our lives, but rather about what we believe our lives ought to be. And I realise that I unwittingly fall into the trap of thinking that life is supposed to be mostly smooth sailing, which causes me to fall apart every time a storm comes (and boy, can it be stormy!). Is this the same as saying that we should be unfeeling rocks who are never affected by anything around us? No. Just that we should adjust our view of life and the events that shape it a little. “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” - M. Kathleen Casey “A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn.” - Author Unknown

We should not be wondering about whether or not there will be bumps in the road, ups and downs on the journey and tragedy around some corners. We should expect them as part of our being alive and being in this world. We should be open about their coming, and willing to rely on others for the help we need. For then these "events" cannot shatter us. They cannot empty us. They can only open us up to let out more of the light we are filled with. "Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." - Joseph Campbell

Familiar faces

I see you almost every day – with your worn shoes and raggedy clothes, lines for a few peoples’ lifetimes etched across your face. Your mostly shuffling along, looking at nothing much, constantly mumbling. I find myself immediately asking: I wonder how you broke your life? I wonder what you did to get yourself to here? I assume I know what you’re doing that’s keeping you here – the very same reason I don’t even consider giving you money. 

And then, for a moment, I am given a peek at myself, and I am ashamed. I realise that I have decided so many things about you without ever having heard your voice in conversation – I have decided that you must have done something to be where you are; I have decided that you must be the one keeping yourself there. I realise I never ask other questions, questions like: Who are you talking to? How long have they been your companions? What happened to you? How do you cope?

Now, the many homeless on our streets might be an extreme example – I realise that their stories are never simple, and that you will always have those whose stories confirm every stereotypical thought we have. But that’s exactly the point – we live our lives unthinkingly, from the one stereotype to the next, without realising it’s trapping effect. Is that the same as saying that all stereotypes are bad? No, for we do need to be able to box all the information we receive every minute of every day in order for our minds to cope. What is the problem then? That we never really go back to those boxes to sort through what’s in them. We put things, events and people into categories, never again questioning why…unless we are forced to…  

We assume so many things. I would even go as far as to say that most of our life is one big assumption. Even worse? Those assumptions become the basis for not only our reactions, but also our actions. The result? We miss each other; we miss life’s fullness. We live hollow lives without ever noticing it. The interesting thing? You would think that someone like me, someone who knows what it feels like to be stereotyped and judged, would be better. But I am not. And so the cycle repeats itself, and we keep on living past each other, thinking we know everything when actually we know nothing.

What to do? A good mind box spring-clean would be a good start. Making it a regular thing even better. First prize? To start living more consciously – which is the polar opposite from living in our heads – making sure that we don’t just let life and the people around us go by, but that we truly experience each moment. That we stop assuming, that we start risking. Our lives will be the better for it. We might then even consider ourselves rich. We can then definitely know that our lives had worth. 

God’s window

In this past week I was involved in quite a few conversations and scenarios where the idea of “doubt” came up: What is it? What does it do? Is it good or bad? (etc. etc. etc., as the good king would say  ) And you, knowing me by now, should know that these situations and conversations got me a’thinkin. This is how far I’ve gotten; maybe you can comment and take us all a little further?

“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.” – Khalil Gibran

I have always been one to ask questions – from the obvious to the awkward – which means I have always asked questions of my faith as well. In studying theology I found a certain freedom – finally it wasn’t frowned upon to ask questions! In fact, it was encouraged. But in this process of letting go, of going farther and asking more than I had ever imagined, I lost something. Something precious, something that I only realised the worth of a few years later – I lost faith…I lost the capability to know when to let go. I got lost in the pain and the uncertainty of doubt, arrogantly thinking I had finally gotten to where everyone should be journeying. When in fact all I had become was hollow. 

It was in this time that God graciously introduced Himself to me again – through the faith of others, through their lives and their stories. I was confronted with a freedom I did not know anymore, for I had chosen to become confined within my own small mind and the things that mind could think of and could handle. I thought I had found the answers, because they were answers I could work out; when, in fact, I had only lost the capability to venture outside of myself. I had gotten stuck. Luckily, I got “pulled out” again before there was no turning back. But from then on the debate has raged within and around me – for “doubt” as such is not a bad thing. It makes sure we do not become complacent. Become petrified in our ways.

“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.” ― René Descartes “There lives more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson “Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom” - Ancient proverb

Doubt can be exactly the window God needs to be able to settle Himself in our souls – it very often is. And doubt can make sure that we are still in relationship with the real God, not our imagined or accepted picture of Him. So when does doubt become negative? When does it scoop all meaning out of our thoughts and our lives? When there is nothing left but doubt and cynicism. When all we do is question and doubt and fear. For then we have nothing to live for, nothing to drive us, nothing to strive towards. All we have is emptiness and trying to live through it.

Faith in doubt

“Every mental act is composed of doubt and belief, but it is belief that is the positive, it is belief that sustains thought and holds the world together.” ― Søren Kierkegaard “ “The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” - Dale Carnegie

May there always be enough doubt in our lives to keep us honest and our minds and hearts clear. But may there (also) always be a little faith in our doubt, enough faith to make the doubt an instrument, not the end. And may God, the true Source of all doubt and faith, keep watch over us all in our journey on this balancing act called life.

Death and dignity

If you know me at all…no wait, scratch that…you don’t really have to know me in the slightest to know that I am a MASSIVE (in this case literally and figuratively  ) fan of Terry Pratchett. So of course I follow his Facebook page. And yesterday they advertised an auction for a dinner with the man himself, with all funds raised in this way going to support “Dignity in Dying”. Now, notwithstanding the fact that I would sell all my possessions and organs (as well as anybody’s that I have ever known) to be the one to have dinner with Terry, it also got me thinking. “Dignity in dying” is not exactly one of those causes you can use to win Miss Universe – it’s too depressing. But, knowing that Terry Pratchett was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago, I can see how this would become a cause worth investing in. Funny how priorities change as life takes its turns with us.

Which got me to thinking about “dignity” and “dying”, and about how these two can (and should/would?) go together. For “dignity” can sound like such a very passive, stiff-upper-lip kind of thing…so “dignity in dying” can sound so much like giving up, giving over, hanging around – in a dignified manner, mind – until your time is done. And yet, one of my favourite poems (anthems?) by Dylan Thomas tells us: “Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day; rage, rage against the dying of the light”. So how do we reconcile these two seemingly very different understandings? Can we? Should we?

Living = surrounding yourself

For that I think the answer is not in the dying, but in the living of it all. Of course, in those last moments of our lives, we will all wonder about one or two things when looking back upon our journey. The trick, I think, is how much there is to wonder about – in my experiences with death and dying, the most fear and desperation are felt by those who realise that they have waited too long with most everything. Who know, in that final moment, that too much has gone unsaid, undone, unthought. Is that the same as saying that to live to the full – to get to an end with mostly peace – is to rage and burn and rave all our desires to the full? No matter who or what you leave in your wake? Or in what condition? Since it is only you on your own in those dying moments?

And then “dignity” clicked for me – for to live a dignified live is not to live a life without passion and fire, but always living it with the knowledge that you are not the only person being affected by your journey. So, when talking about dignity in death, I think it’s more about the people you leave behind and how they are left. And the balance – that very precarious and flighty thing – is to be found in exactly “dignity in dying”…for then we are living our lives and our passions to the full, realising that we only have so much time in which to do all we desire; but to also do it in such a way that those around us are inspired, are ignited by our passion to find and follow their own, are strengthened by our lives and our journeys. When we manage that, our life, our death, will be something to mostly smile about…something that pushes people onward and upward…something to be proud of.

Be still

One of those days…

Yesterday two of my colleague friends and I were talking about emotion – about what the ultimate emotion is and what it looks and feels like, about how to create emotion etc. One, Juan, asked me to write a blog about emotions to give him my opinion on things. The irony is that, the more I think about it (and boy, have I thought about it!  ), the more I know that emotion is exactly that which cannot be written or talked about. You cannot “create” emotion in yourself or anyone else; you can only experience it.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller

And so this blog took an unexpected turn – it is not about emotion or the creation of emotion, but rather about being still…about abandoning ourselves to life’s every moment…about allowing ourselves to breathe…For in the living of it, in the letting go of our attempts to analyse it, therein lies the experience of true emotion. It is only then that the voice of our bodies can be heard, even more, that we can resonate with the emotions of those surrounding us. Only in allowing ourselves the simplicity (the freedom?) of completely immersing ourselves in this body, this moment, this heart, can we know what emotion is. Can we become who we need to be and do what we need to do.

“All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Immersing ourselves in the moment, no matter how small it may seem.

We cannot, actually, discuss emotion; in fact, we shouldn’t, for then we are missing the point and the emotion. We can and should only allow ourselves to “be still” – to abandon ourselves to the moment, to absorb the totality of every small experience in every day, to become uninhibited.

“There is a relationship between the eye contacts we make and the perceptions that we create in our heads, a relationship between the sound of another’s voice and the emotions that we feel in our hearts, a relationship between our movements in space all around us and the magnetic pulls we can create between others and ourselves. All of these things (and more) make up the magic of every ordinary day and if we are able to live in this magic, to feel and to dwell in it, we will find ourselves living with magic every day. These are the white spaces in life, the spaces in between the written lines, the cracks in which the sunlight filters into. Some of us swim in the overflowing of the wine glass of life, we stand and blink our eyes in the sunlight reaching unseen places, we know where to find the white spaces, we live in magic.” – C. Joybell

Giving over to the moment, the emotion, completely.

Isn’t it funny?

Life will always remain a strange thing…an enigma…the biggest variable in any one of our individual life’s plots…filling it with both pain and beauty. We can experience death and new life all in the span of one week. We can reach the most glorious highs on some levels, while simultaneously experiencing the lowest of lows. Funny that. Funny using an expression like “isn’t it funny” for something that’s actually not “funny” at all, but rather difficult, bizarre or uncomfortable.

When the writer of Ecclesiastes says, “there is a time for everything”, he makes it sound so neat in a way. 

Yes, he mentions things like a time to cry and a time to die; but it still sounds so ordered – like there is a rhythm even to those times, that they will follow on each other, that you will always be able to move from the one to the other. And yet, in our living life, we come to realise that those times aren’t “neat” or “rhythmic”, mostly they are intertwined – joy with tears, success with disappointment, and life with death. Which is so contra-instinctive for us – we WANT life to be more “reliable”, more predictable. We NEED life to be simpler. We NEED to hold on to the belief that tomorrow will be different…will be better…will be more. 

But life continues on its “merry” way, and tomorrow usually ends up being the same as today – complicated. Which means that we can (and often do!) spend a lot of time questioning the meaning of our existence, the sense our living holds, the reason for our being. Getting so caught up in thinking about life that we don’t live it. But, you might say, such a complicated mess is not worth calling life, never mind living it! And yet, it is what it is, and it remains so no matter our thoughts on the matter.

So why is it worth it? What is the significance of this quagmire? Where is God in all of this? “Our life is a faint tracing on the surface of mystery, like the idle, curved tunnels of leaf miners on the surface of a leaf. We must somehow take a wider view, look at the whole landscape, really see it, and describe what’s going on here. Then we can at least wail the right question into the swaddling band of darkness, or, if it comes to that, choir the proper praise.” – Annie Dillard “Let children walk with nature, let them see the beautiful blending and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life.” – John Muir

We should not strive for peace and calm and simple, for it is only in the difficulty and the chaos and the mess that we can plumb the depths of who we are. You cannot be truly brave and courageous without having felt fear tinge your being and overcoming it. You cannot truly live without confronting the complex reality that life is. “I don’t believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or make you feel miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you feel.” – Gloria Naylor In the fullness of the total experience, in our giving ourselves over to every piece of it, in our looking every part of life and death straight in the eye and conquering it; therein lies living. For if you’re not ready to die, then how can you live? So…hoohah! “To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.” – Mary Oliver