Hard to find!

The definition of "ouch" and reasons to berate yourself = logging into this blog to write the latest mulling around in me, only to see that a whole 24 days have passed. What?! But then I realise that even this is part of what my process has been the last few weeks...and so in we go...

You might remember that my first post - and New Year's resolution - was to start removing any and all forms of clutter, making time for silent reflection, in order to be able to get at the me at the heart of it all. In these past few weeks I have discovered two things surrounding this process. Maybe you have experienced the same? Maybe we can help each other through?

1) The heart is (damn) hard to find!
Yep. It's just so amazing and ironic how - just when I decide to quiet down - my entire life suddenly becomes this noisy, chaotic thing with a life of its own. Everything that can go wrong does, almost all the people in my life suddenly have urgent needs etc. The noise of life, the power pulling me away from my heart, becomes so loud it's almost overwhelming! So now, when a moment or two announce themselves, I rather stare at the wall than try and scratch a little deeper into myself, because the energy just isn't there. It's like the universe is conspiring to keep me as far away from my truth and strength as possible, and it's SO frustrating! But then, in a conversation with my spiritual mentor, I am (metaphorically) slapped across the face with the truth of the situation, which leads us to...

2) You never find yourself where you're looking (in fact, where you find yourself is somewhere you never thought needed closer investigation!)
Even though life turns into chaos when we seek quiet, my mentor forced me to ask myself - how much of that craziness was happening because of me? Because of the way I have always seen myself, the way I have always thought I needed to be and act in the world? How much of the chaos surrounding me was because of my own ego trying to feed itself? Double ouch! Probably because it is so true that I feel a little sick just writing this.

So, finding my heart - the "me" God made me - actually involves breaking through the "me" I have created; the "me" I have spent all my life building up; the "me" I expend so much effort on presenting to the world. It's not just about cancelling out other unnecessary influences and voices, it's about cancelling out my ego and all the little voices it creates. Because so little of what I think is my heart, actually has anything to do with my heart. What a blind spot that was?! 

Does that mean I am no longer making an effort to get in some quiet "sitting with God"? No, for that process has become more important than ever. It does mean that I try to keep a hold of the bit of distance created in those quiet times when I move into the rest of the day - a bit of distance that allows me to look at the things I feel and say and do, and ask myself the hard questions: Why this? Why now? The answers are difficult indeed...but they are the only way I will find true value, and in that - the peace that transcends all possible chaos.
      
Every day is "Day One", because then complacency does not become an option. Join me? 

About today

I have been thinking about my friends in the “caring” professions a lot lately…maybe because I know just how hard this year has hit most of us.

Ah, “caring professions” – the sugar coated, more than slightly patronising name given to those jobs that daily deal with life’s mess; to those people who dedicate their time and their passion to wading through the chaos and the fragments that living can turn a person into, trying to help salvage and restore. Some people – mostly those not in one of these professions – will declare it a blessing. Most will look at you strangely, wondering why you do this to yourself. All enjoy being at the “cared for” end.

And then I heard this The National song again yesterday:

“Today you were far away, and I didn't ask you why.

What could I say? I was far away.

You just walked away, and I just watched you - what could I say?

Tonight you just close your eyes, and I just watch you slip away.”

It reminded me that that is how most of the world lives – far away – from each other, from themselves. Now, a whole lot of the population really isn’t even aware that’s what’s happening. They live their lives completely unaware of the worlds they are walking past. It’s those people who look at you all confused when you talk about what you cannot help but see going on around you. There are those who do experience “inklings” – who see the distance, the stories unfolding, but who prefer to stay “far away”. We would not want things to get complicated and uncomfortable, now would we?

And then there are those – like my best friend Maryke – who feel like they’re always living “a little too close for comfort”. Those who have been cursed with the gift of true empathy; those who can never be “far away” from anyone; those who cannot help but see. It is to you that I dedicate this post. So here’s to you – the really crazy ones.

The ones who cannot close off or pretend that stories and worlds aren’t happening right next to them. More than that, who do not want to. You can see it in their eyes, because they truly see you. They are brave beyond measure. They are never far away. They always ask what everyone else is afraid to. They always choose to engage, even if they don’t know what to say. They never give up, no matter what they feel like. They will never allow you to just “slip away”.

You are a very rare breed indeed. You are mostly undervalued, and always underpaid. You are misunderstood. Your lives will always be full and difficult. You don’t often get to see the results of your “being close”. But you are precious beyond measure. The curse of your gift is the only thing that keeps this world standing. Without your eyes, your hearts, your hands and your efforts, life would continue to be a hollow shell. If you were ever to give up, we might just as well close the curtains on the charade called “an unexamined life”. Because of you dreaming becomes possible. Hell, thinking of things such as possibilities becomes possible!

Thank you. Please do not ever stop, no matter how hard it might be. And may God grant you the gift of at least one other “really crazy” like you, who can help you carry without even talking. YOU ARE PRECIOUS BEYOND MEASURE.