Fickle hearts and woozy eyes

The last couple of weeks I have felt tension building up inside of me – even as I write this it feels like my heart is beating too fast to keep doing it for long. I find myself overwhelmed by the things around me – how fast the year has gone, how many things are still left undone, how complicated the simplest of things can be. Now, being the good Calvinistic Afrikaans person I was brought up to be, I do what I was taught to do – just keep on going. But it feels like I’m having to fight scrappy for every little bit of energy I can muster, and then that energy doesn’t mean/accomplish much. And now I am sitting on my bed, my throat closing ever tighter, wondering how it got to here…it’s as if my hands want to turn against me as I attempt to write this, missing keys…my brain becoming empty cotton as I try to put into words the depths…exactly because it is a truth that every fibre of my being knows to be true, but that it will not admit to out loud…

I am my own worst enemy. I am afraid of myself. I am uneasy about what exactly my potential is. And so I do not need the critique of others to put me down (though I faithfully ask for it) – most times I have already dug the hole myself, and jumped in for good measure. I sabotage myself. I overthink everything. I give everyone else the right to define me. In fact, I demand it. I have demarcated how small I must be, and I do not stop until those around me have brought me there. Only to be left uncertain and empty, and then having the audacity to wonder why and how this could’ve happened. 

To feel like life is treating me unfairly when, in fact, life has nothing much to do with it. It is me, myself and I alone. It makes me angry to admit that. I feel frustration building inside of me – if I know this, then why can’t I change it? Shouldn’t it come easily to me?! Yet here I still am, running around in the same little circle. I keep on tearing myself to pieces, and then asking people to throw them back at me – hard. Why? Because I cannot allow myself the freedom, the growth…no, I will not. Is that how it’s supposed to be? For everyone else – a very easy and quick NO! For myself – not so much. And this cannot continue. This MUST not continue!

I am stepping aside and getting out of my own way. I am taking back the pieces of me I have so enthusiastically thrown around and away. I am also taking back my ears, countrymen. I am (again) giving all of it, of me, to the only One who deserves (yes, deserves!) the right. And I am going to keep on giving “me” back every time I want to throw “me” out to the world or, even worse, to myself. From this moment forward (and every moment I feel myself wanting to fall back into familiar grooves) I will hold onto the promises 

He has given me so often and so freely, and I will live – I will breathe past the fear and uncertainty that comes so easily to me, and I will do the many things there are for me to do. Because there are many things, if I will only stop questioning my every thought and action (and asking others to do the same). I will no longer be the matt on the floor that everyone is allowed to walk over. I am standing up. More importantly, from now on I will only be looking up. 

How will I do that? How will I change what has been so deeply ingrained into me? “I'll kneel down, wait for now. I'll kneel down, know my ground. And I will wait, I will wait for You!” God, you are the only one who should have any say – and I have a sneaking suspicion that I would be hearing much more from you if I just unplugged my ears or stopped allowing the noise around me to drown you out. Forgive me for what I have so eagerly sunk into; for all the inside thoughts and outside voices that I have allowed the authority to drown you out. The only way to keep my heart from stopping and my mind from exploding is to give it all back to you – and so I do. I WILL wait for you. I have a feeling that the wait won’t be long.

“When darkness comes upon you and colours you with fear and shame, be still and know that I'm with you - and I will say your name. If fear falls upon your bed, and sleep no longer comes. Remember all the words I said - be still, be still, and know. If you forget the way to go, and lose where you came from. Just know I am standing beside you - be still, be still, be still.” – The Fray “God is our refuge and strength; a very present help in trouble…’be still, and know that I am God’…” – Psalm 46:1, 10 “The Lord your God is the strength in your midst; He will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness. In His love, He will be silent. He will exult over you with praise.” – Zephaniah 3:17 

“Now I'll be bold, as well as strong, and use my head alongside my heart. So tame my flesh, and fix my eyes - a tethered mind freed from the lies. Raise my hands. Paint my spirit gold. Bow my head. Keep my heart slow.” – Mumford & Sons

The importance of being...well...here!

On the 14^th of October most of the world watched in awe as Felix Baumgartner successfully jumped from the stratosphere, breaking the sound barrier on his way down. A once in a (our?) lifetime happening. So special, in fact, that Felix has now retired – having accomplished everything he has ever dreamt of doing. We were/are mesmerized – he jumped from almost space, for heaven’s sake! 

And yet, without realizing it, we have actually been masters of space travel for a very long time – for we are constantly jumping from past to future. When we are not busy reminiscing about our yesterdays, we are planning our tomorrows. We are always busy striving, moving, reaching – because our yesterday wasn’t exactly up to scratch and our tomorrow HAS to be more, has to be better (knowing that it can never really be). Together with our time-jump abilities, we are also VERY adept at displacement – we easily breeze from our own bodies and thoughts to those of the people around us (whether they be friend or stranger), enabling us to know their innermost thoughts and feelings…thoughts and feelings that, when it comes to us, are mostly negative and/or disappointed… At least we can say that we have become professionals – professionals at bashing ourselves. For if there is one thing we know for certain, it is that we are supposed to be more than who we are, better off than where we are etc., even if we can never seem to pinpoint the exact details.

Also, when peeking into the people around us’ lives, they always seem SO much more dynamic, interesting and worthwhile. In fact, we are shocked and angry when those people share their insecurities with us – how dare they, when it’s so obvious how awesome they are?! The funniest (and saddest) part is that we KNOW the worth of the people around us, without being able to accept that those very same “rules” apply to us as well. And also, where does all of this wonderful space travel get us? Not into the Guinness Book of World Records, that’s for sure! No, it shoves us into the small dark corners of our lives. It empties us of our joy and energy. It breaks our souls.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.” - Charles R Swindoll

What to do? Stop all our very futuristic travelling, which should make us feel all proud, but instead makes us become smaller. Start living where we are – and ENJOYING it for what it is – the preciousness that is life. “Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” - William James